by Esther Perel
Perel argues that modern couples expect their partner to be simultaneously a source of safety and erotic excitement, two needs that pull in opposite directions. Drawing on cross-cultural clinical work, she contends that desire requires distance, mystery, and otherness, qualities that the ideology of total intimacy actively erodes.
In this collection, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence references 4 other books.
It draws on Emotional Intelligence, Flow and Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping.
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The books Perel references and why each one mattered to the argument.
Engages Goleman's Emotional Intelligence framework but argues it is insufficient for erotic life, which requires tolerating ambiguity and difference rather than achieving emotional attunement
Draws on Csikszentmihalyi's Flow to argue that eroticism is a flow state requiring novelty and challenge, not the sameness of companionate love
Uses Sapolsky's Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers on mammalian stress and reward systems to ground her argument that long-term pair bonds and sexual desire rest on different biological circuits
References
Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Copingby Robert Sapolsky
Extends Goleman's Working with Emotional Intelligence from workplace to bedroom, arguing that erotic intelligence is a distinct competence requiring imagination and play
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Directly cites
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